oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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