The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
