She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
