another moral hangover. fuck.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
