Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
