I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
