dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
