You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize