I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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