I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Randomize
