uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
