After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
