VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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