What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
