Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
