I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
