What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
