she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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