Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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