Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
