I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
