Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
