It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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