i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
