me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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