i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
