last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
