I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize