What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
