God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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