There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
