I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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