apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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