I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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