I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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