She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
