You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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