So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
