Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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