so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
