I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
