Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
