i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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