I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
