He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
