My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
