Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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