I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
