Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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