hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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