I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
