theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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