i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
