seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize