i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
