I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
