I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
