totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
