You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
