I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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