You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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