I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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