So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize